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Oh, Amazon. The traditional publishing industry has been calling you Darth Vadar, Tony Soprano, and Snake Oil Salesman. They say that, if you have your way, “No one, unless they have inherited $50 million, will be able to afford to write a serious work of history, of poetry, of biography, a novel—anything. The stakes are Western culture.”

Wow.

Melodrama aside, it’s safe to say that a lot of people are mad at you. But, honey, they don’t know you like we self-pubbers know you. Kindle Direct Publishing—or KDP, if you want to sound like you’re using a club drug—has helped take self-publishing into the mainstream and made many wannabe authors into big-timers.

How do we love thee? Let us count the ways. Also, let us count the ways that we don’t love you, because hey, who doesn’t love counting.

1. Royalties

You’ve given us 70% of our ebook sales. While traditionally published authors are making a measly 10% on their paperbacks—and usually about 25% on an ebook—that’s huge.

Of course, that figure takes a huge hit if we decide to price our book outside of the recommended $2.99–9.99 range. Sometimes it feels like you’re trying to box us in. While we agree those prices are good for most e-books, some books are better suited for a price below three or above ten dollars. While we make $7 on a $9.99 book, we only make $5.25 on a $15 book. That doesn’t seem right, does it, babe?

2. Enemy of my enemy

We admit that sometimes we get a little spiteful. A number of us—including Ezra Pound, leader of the modernist movement—have been been rejected by every publishing house in New York. Traditionally published authors have called us “lazy” and “literary karaoke”. So when we hear big publishing complain that you’re going to put them out of business, that gives us a little schadenfreude-induced glee. Of course, traditional publishing isn’t going anywhere, but the apocalyptic frenzy is fun to watch from the sidelines.

But they way you’re doing it—forcing down e-book prices—isn’t necessarily good for us, either. Most of us are happy to throw our e-books on Amazon for five bucks, and that’s one of the edges we have on traditionally published authors. Stephen King’s new book costs fifteen dollars. If that price gets pushed down to five dollars, Kindle shoppers have a lot less incentive to take a chance on new and underexposed authors, and will use that money to buy something well-known. Don’t do us like that, darling.

3. You’re ready to go exclusive

In exchange for a commitment to a ninety day monogamous relationship, you give us the ability to make our book free for a limited time, as well as stocking it in the Kindle Lending Library. KDP Select can be huge for building a buzz around an unknown author. And since you sell more e-books than anyone else combined, exclusively publishing to Amazon for a while is often a small price to pay.

But babe, iBooks will let us give away our book for free whenever we want. And they’ll give us 70% of the profits no matter what price we set it at. We know that, in the e-book industry, you’re the quarterback, the prom queen, and the class president all rolled into one, but the quiet guy in the black turtleneck definitely treats us better.

So, sugar lips, you’re not perfect. But we still love you, promise. Just do better, mmmk, schnookums?

How do you feel about Amazon? Sound off in the comments!

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