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My name is Tricia Lorntson and I’m an egoholic.

Crowd: Hi, Tricia!

This is a public service announcement and a cautionary tale for struggling writers everywhere. Your odds of becoming instafamous are only marginally higher than your chances of winning the PowerBall.

You?

Are not special.

Don’t believe your mother—she has to tell you that. Let me give it to you straight, and in third person for dramatic effect:

Once upon a time in 2011, a girl named Tricia was writing a book and had what she believed to be enough of a budget to release this book into the wild where it would surely draw international fame and fortune. She met with the owner of a local collaborative publishing house and was told her budget and beliefs were a joke. When she suggested to this man that she’d be editing her own book, he informed her that in his experience that plan fails 100% of the time. He instead suggested she forgo printing altogether, try an e-book instead and just give it away for free. So as any egoholic would, she politely thanked him for his time, went back to her car and may or may not have cried.

Then she met a lovely young woman named Amy Quale who at the time worked for another collaborative publishing house. This was it! Amy was awesome! She would fall so madly in love with Tricia’s writing she’d beg to publish her book.

Or . . . not so much.

While Amy did enjoy Tricia’s writing, she too explained (though far more tenderly and lovingly) that not hiring a professional editor is unwise. Amy guided Tricia through several options, none still that fit within Tricia’s budget. Again, Tricia thanked the professional for the time and went back to her car and may or may not have cried.

So Tricia edited the book with only the help of her cat. She had 500 copies printed, because a real writer has books. Old-school paper books with pages and shiny covers. She could see her name in the marquees already. Her marketing plan? Throw a book release party. Clearly the leftover $212 would cover that.

The books were sent to press, Tricia fell ill, and no party was to be had. It was a fairly anticlimactic book release.

Ten months after she gave birth to 500 printed copies through hard labor, nearly 100 remained untouched, unread, unloved.

A year after their initial meeting, Tricia and Amy crossed paths when the timing was write*.  Tricia was ready to admit that perhaps professionals are professionals for a reason, and Amy had, in the meantime launched her own collaborative publishing agency, Wise Ink Creative Publishing. Now Amy and Tricia are working together happily ever after . . . on an e-book that Tricia will give away for free for a limited time.

The moral of this story is that writers aren’t famous or wealthy for no reason. Writers need the serenity to set reasonable goals, the courage to execute a strategic marketing plan, and the wisdom to know better than to expect that they’ll be thrust into the world’s face like a Kardashian.

I’m partnering now with Wise Amy at Wise Ink to accomplish my twelve steps in egoholic rehab. When not believing I’m destined for huge things, I can be found writing trivial smut at Confessions of a Recovering Cynic and looking mournfully at the stack of books I haven’t sold yet.

*Tricia loves puns . . . and delusions!

 Tricia Lorntson is an argument for nature against nurture and possibly for regulated sterilization. Despite totally appropriate parenting and a suburban upbringing, she trips through life leaving a wake of disaster behind. She is the author of Confessions of a Recovering Cynic: On Life, Love, and the Seven Deadly Sins and has a blog of the same title.

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